Processing the "moral failure" of Bob Coy

There have been some great posts written by Christian leaders reminding us of the dangers of sin, the need for accountability and so forth. I appreciate them all and think they're valuable, I'm just not there yet. I'm raw and I'm wrecked. And so are a lot of people I talk to about this.

I first showed up at Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale in 1993 with a snotty attitude, a dislike/distrust for churches, and a heroin addiction; I was the full package. I came at the repeated pleas of my mother, fully convinced I'd hate it. To my surprise, I actually enjoyed it. Bob Coy was winsome, wise, and funny. I liked him, even if I didn't agree with what he was saying. And the "wild life" that he once lived (that is currently dominating the news cycle about him) actually was appealing rather than repulsive to me. It immediately made him relatable and gave me a strange sense of hope.

Fast forwarding the story, here are just some of the key moments of my life that happened at Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale under the leadership of Bob Coy:

• I redicated my life to Jesus
• My drug habit was eradicated
• I met my best friends
• I attended/graduated from Calvary Chapel's Bible College extention campus
• I met my wife and married her
• I began working there in fulltime ministry
• I officiated the wedding of my Mom and her husband
• I was inspired to eventually plant the church I now lead

You get the picture. Bob's failure wasn't just a "that's a shame" moment for me. My heart is aching and my head is spinning because my world has been rocked. If you were part of CCFL then you understand, but if not think of it like this.

You can move out from your parent's house, but there is a sense of safety and security in knowing that at any time you can go back and experience the warm familiarity of the home you grew up in. But if you found out Mom or Dad were getting a divorce everything is suddenly thrown into a tailspin. Nothing will ever be the same as it once was during your formative years. That's how I feel.

To be more precise, I've realized I'm mourning. Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale isn't dead and I believe it will survive and go on to thrive, but the reality is things can never be the same. And I am mourning the loss of the familiar family environment as well as the loss of my greatest spiritual role model.

Why is this revelation of mourning helpful to me and possibly you? Because it helps provide insight, direction and hope even as my heart aches and my head keeps spinning.

Consider the 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial -My first reaction when I heard the new about Bob on Saturday night? I went to see Captain American with my wife. Carnal? Maybe. Honestly, I didn't want to process it and I didn't know how to start. Many are in denial about what happened. That's why people are making comments saying, "Come back, Pastor Bob!" It hasn't fully sunken in for many.

2. Anger -This hasnt been my core reaction yet, but I've talked to several people that are furious. While I'm not in anger now, I understand it. And you're not wrong if you feel that way.

3. Bargaining -Some are trying to negotiate how Bob Can return. "What if...". The sad truth is Bob Coy will probably never return to CCFL and that's a tough pill to swallow. (Read my friend Bob Franquiz's post for some excellent insight into this & the whole situation.)

4. Depression -This is where I'm parked right now. I feel like I'm being slapped in face over and over but I just don't have the energy or desire to block the shots right now. In fact I keep Googling the story inviting more blows. I know I'm not alone here.

5. Acceptance -Eventually we accept reality the way it now is. The wound heals, the scars remains and we move on stronger and wiser.

Here are some thoughts on processing:

1. Press into what you're feeling, don't bury it. You need to heal, which first means you need to feel.
2. The stages aren't linear. You will go through all of them sometimes all in a day or even an hour. You can't just check each off a list, which is especially hard for guys.
3. Share your journey. -Talk to God and the people you love about what you're going through. Mourning is meant to happen in community. Tears, laughter, angry shouts...don't do it alone.
4. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Men will fail you and you will fail men, but Christ will never fail. God loves you, Bob Coy, Calvary Fort Lauderale, and he isn't done with any of us yet.
5. If you weren't close to the church please give some grace and space for people to go through these stages; it really is harder for us than you can imagine. We need your prayers.

I hope this provides some hope/help to my fellow brothers and sisters still trying to process it all. We are mourning. It isn't a fun place to be, but it is where we are. And God is meeting us here.

“Better to go to the house of mourning Than to go to the house of feasting, For that is the end of all men; And the living will take it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, For by a sad countenance the heart is made better. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, But the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.” (Ecclesiastes 7:2–4, NKJV)

 

 

Comments

[jason berggren]

This was excellent. Thank you old friend. Old CCFL friend.

[Bill LaMorey]

Thanks, Jason. I'll never forget when you first scowled at me there. :)

[Bob Franquiz]

Great post Bill!

[Justin Boatwright]

you completely read my heart and mind - or better stated - I'm at the same place you are in this process - Thanks Pastor Bill

[Bill LaMorey]

Thanks, Bob.

Justin, may God meet us both here, my friend. Blessings.

[Lisa Cervone]

Thank you Bill! Yours and Bob's posts have been refreshing for my soul. They have reminded me that we are not alone! We love you!

[Lisa Cervone]

I want to share this on Facebook for my friends to read, but I can't figure out how to do it!

[Bill LaMorey]

We love you too, Lisa!

You can share by hitting the FB button below or copying the URL and pasting into a FB post.

[Doug Rasku]

Excellent words, Bill. Thanks for sharing.

[Bill LaMorey]

Thanks, Doug.

[Stephen Young]

Well said Pastor Bill. Hard to talk about, but a lot healthier than not dealing with it.

[Evelyn]

Thanks so much. It's hard for people to understand but you and Bob have put words to my emotion.

[John Sullivan]

Thanks Bill. Carol and I continue to pray for you and your family. God is in control. Keep your eyes on Him not the world. We are praying for Pastor Bob and Diane and the kids. We miss you guys but as I told Bob Franquis we thank God He is using you both to let the whole world know

[Joe Wilkens]

Thanks Bill, well said. I'd give you a big hug if we were hangin' out together. I had been thinking of you over the last couple of weeks and couldn't find you on FB. Miss ya, Bro.

[Robert Fountain]

Very well put, Bill. I've been praying for all of you who look to Bob as your spiritual Dad. I was ordained and sent from there in 1993, but it's different for me, because I was in Miami Beach as a missionary already working with YWAM at the time. My relationship with Bob is not the same as that of the many for whom his ministry was so instrumental in their own rescue. For you guys, this is so very personal. Thanks for being transparent.

Your thoughts should bear good fruit in many lives.

[Bill LaMorey]

Thank you guys for sharing your thoughts here. A lot of us are trying to get our heads around this. Writing this was helpful in processing to me and I feel very blessed that others found it helpful to.

PS: Joe, come on up to CT and give me a hug, dude!

[Wendy Grant]

Thanks Bill. All these emotions are very real and living so far away from CCFTL during this time can make one feel all alone. Thank you Bill and Bob Franquiz for such wonderful words of wisdom.

[Linda Nickerson]

Very well said, Bill. You are right, things can never be the same. I'm looking forward, however, to what marvelous things God WILL do in this situation.

[Terri Petro Crites]

Bill, Thank you so very much, I have been so struggling to understand my own reaction.....denial and now depression, I didn't connect it with grief. Pastor Bob's teaching and ministry has been the foundation of my relationship with Christ. Since we were behind Albertsons. Up to and Including my recent visit this February. I am so struggling with this.Thank you Bill, again you spoke Truth and comfort.

[scott saunders]

Bill, a fantastic post. I have to lean on the old staple, Romans 8:28, "ALL THINGS work together for good....." At least Bob's out and dealing with the demons. In Christ all things are possible. well that might not mean bob will ever return 2 calvery chapel fort lauderdale it will mean that Bob will heal and be made whole again in the forgiveness of christ. Hopefully everyone can forgive as Christ has forgiven each of us.This is a reminder of the spiritual battle we are to prepare for daily. Armor not underwear!

[David]

Well said brother...know that we at Calvary Chapel South Los Angeles are praying for you all and for Bob and his family. We rejoice with you all as well as weep with you all. We love you all!

[John Koontz]

Excellent post Bill. For all have sinned & fall short of the Glory of God. Only Jesus is perfect & Jesus is the Glory of God...so let us keep our eyes upon Jesus.

[gary]

God strengthen you all during this tremendously difficult time. When we are at our lowest, let us look to the Rock, that will never be shaken.

[Colleen Tress]

Great article...my husband has a very similar story to yours as far as how Calvary and Pastor Bob has influenced him and he is right where you are as well. I appreciated this read and will forward this to him.

[Bill Borregard]

Good Words Pastor Bill.
Bill Borregard