Processing the "moral failure" of Bob Coy

There have been some great posts written by Christian leaders reminding us of the dangers of sin, the need for accountability and so forth. I appreciate them all and think they're valuable, I'm just not there yet. I'm raw and I'm wrecked. And so are a lot of people I talk to about this.

I first showed up at Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale in 1993 with a snotty attitude, a dislike/distrust for churches, and a heroin addiction; I was the full package. I came at the repeated pleas of my mother, fully convinced I'd hate it. To my surprise, I actually enjoyed it. Bob Coy was winsome, wise, and funny. I liked him, even if I didn't agree with what he was saying. And the "wild life" that he once lived (that is currently dominating the news cycle about him) actually was appealing rather than repulsive to me. It immediately made him relatable and gave me a strange sense of hope.

Fast forwarding the story, here are just some of the key moments of my life that happened at Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale under the leadership of Bob Coy:

• I redicated my life to Jesus
• My drug habit was eradicated
• I met my best friends
• I attended/graduated from Calvary Chapel's Bible College extention campus
• I met my wife and married her
• I began working there in fulltime ministry
• I officiated the wedding of my Mom and her husband
• I was inspired to eventually plant the church I now lead

You get the picture. Bob's failure wasn't just a "that's a shame" moment for me. My heart is aching and my head is spinning because my world has been rocked. If you were part of CCFL then you understand, but if not think of it like this.

You can move out from your parent's house, but there is a sense of safety and security in knowing that at any time you can go back and experience the warm familiarity of the home you grew up in. But if you found out Mom or Dad were getting a divorce everything is suddenly thrown into a tailspin. Nothing will ever be the same as it once was during your formative years. That's how I feel.

To be more precise, I've realized I'm mourning. Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale isn't dead and I believe it will survive and go on to thrive, but the reality is things can never be the same. And I am mourning the loss of the familiar family environment as well as the loss of my greatest spiritual role model.

Why is this revelation of mourning helpful to me and possibly you? Because it helps provide insight, direction and hope even as my heart aches and my head keeps spinning.

Consider the 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial -My first reaction when I heard the new about Bob on Saturday night? I went to see Captain American with my wife. Carnal? Maybe. Honestly, I didn't want to process it and I didn't know how to start. Many are in denial about what happened. That's why people are making comments saying, "Come back, Pastor Bob!" It hasn't fully sunken in for many.

2. Anger -This hasnt been my core reaction yet, but I've talked to several people that are furious. While I'm not in anger now, I understand it. And you're not wrong if you feel that way.

3. Bargaining -Some are trying to negotiate how Bob Can return. "What if...". The sad truth is Bob Coy will probably never return to CCFL and that's a tough pill to swallow. (Read my friend Bob Franquiz's post for some excellent insight into this & the whole situation.)

4. Depression -This is where I'm parked right now. I feel like I'm being slapped in face over and over but I just don't have the energy or desire to block the shots right now. In fact I keep Googling the story inviting more blows. I know I'm not alone here.

5. Acceptance -Eventually we accept reality the way it now is. The wound heals, the scars remains and we move on stronger and wiser.

Here are some thoughts on processing:

1. Press into what you're feeling, don't bury it. You need to heal, which first means you need to feel.
2. The stages aren't linear. You will go through all of them sometimes all in a day or even an hour. You can't just check each off a list, which is especially hard for guys.
3. Share your journey. -Talk to God and the people you love about what you're going through. Mourning is meant to happen in community. Tears, laughter, angry shouts...don't do it alone.
4. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Men will fail you and you will fail men, but Christ will never fail. God loves you, Bob Coy, Calvary Fort Lauderale, and he isn't done with any of us yet.
5. If you weren't close to the church please give some grace and space for people to go through these stages; it really is harder for us than you can imagine. We need your prayers.

I hope this provides some hope/help to my fellow brothers and sisters still trying to process it all. We are mourning. It isn't a fun place to be, but it is where we are. And God is meeting us here.

“Better to go to the house of mourning Than to go to the house of feasting, For that is the end of all men; And the living will take it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, For by a sad countenance the heart is made better. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, But the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.” (Ecclesiastes 7:2–4, NKJV)

 

 

Comments

[Lois Ryerson]

Bill and Bob...How well I remember you guys when my hubby Jack was on staff. He died and went to Glory the 28th of Dec, 2013. I'm so thankful he didn't know of this, he would have been heartbroken, too. You both put into words great things about CCFL and Pastor Bob. He was a wonderful proclaimer of God's Word. My heart goes out to Diane and the children. Love and prayers for all concerned.

[Bill LaMorey]

So great to hear from so many old friends and some new ones too. May God give us all and everyone else dealing with this comfort and strength in Christ.

[Chris Martin]

Masking your gossip and judgment as a begging for empathy is sin. Does the word "unspecified" mean anything do you? The press is only reporting he confessed to an unspecified "moral failing" It appears on the web that major press is hardly even reporting the story. Do you know why? It is because it is "UNSPECIFIED"!

I really want to ball you out, but I am going to behave. Stop gossiping. Take your story down. I've attended ten years.

Chris Martin

[Debimarie007]

Informative, to the point, but most of all steps to help. Thanks for that Bill

[D]

I'm glad you wrote this article, Bill. I still remember our mission trip up to NYC with you and Rebecca as our team leaders!
You said exactly what I am feeling. Even though I've moved away, I feel like someone has broken up with me, or just hurt me. I'm sad, 'flatlined', and sometimes anger starts bubbling up. I always knew CCFL as my home church, and even, like you said, 'knew it would be there', even though I'm here.
This is a really uncomfortable place to be, but I know I'm not going through it alone. Of course the Lord is there, but my brothers and sisters are too. I'm grateful that even at this distance, I know we're there for each other.
Pastor Bob has had a huge influence on me--as has Diane--in the 15 years I've known them, and I know God is not finished with their lives. Things will definitely look different, but I know God is concerned with each of us as individuals more than a building or situation.
Again, I appreciate you writing this, as it helps me define and feel less alone about what I'm experiencing.
Best to you in Him,
Christine K

[PierreD]

Hi Bill. I also started attending CCFL in 93, met my wife and was married by Gennarino. The ministry of CCFL and Bob changed the course of my life as well. We should be asking ourselves why this story is so often repeated? "Spiritual rags to spiritual riches, back to spiritual rags." Adam and Eve did it, the Israelites did it, we're all still doing it!

This behavioral cycle should not surprise us. Man is flawed due to his sin nature. Sinning is natural to us. We are all prone to wanting to get in the Driver seat of our life, thereby pushing God to the backseat just like Lucifer did. None of us can qualify to lead a church and be a spiritual guide to others by virtue of our impeccable performance before Almighty God.

The problem lies in well meaning people elevating such a leader to a level that he neither deserves, nor can handle. The pedestal built by these followers, becomes the gallows on which this leader hangs himself.

The emotional carnage felt by many in the aftermath support this view of having unintentionally given "near perfect" status to a sinful man. We are let "down" because we had first "elevated". The old adage "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." applies here. We made this leader bigger than life, bigger than he deserved, and now, like an over-inflated balloon, it blows up in our face much to our surprise!

Most of us may have had the experience of a friend or relative with infidelity or other "moral failure", but it didn't rock our world. So why is it so different with Bob or other leaders? Because of our propensity to want to attribute godlike qualities to a fellow man, a fellow sinner.

A good place to start "processing" this event, is to first go to God and humbly ask for forgiveness for having placed so much faith in a man and having attributed to him, the changes in our life that were the work of God by the Power of His Holy Spirit. Once this confession is made, the turbulent waters should become easier to navigate.

Be blessed and be a blessing.

[Kathy Rich]

That was a great Post Bill , I just came accross it among so many , I knew you and your Mom, I started Calvary in 93, so I can relate to all you are saying about CCFL and Pastor Bob. I feel the same way, he was such a mentor to all of us !! I am on a roller coaster ride with my feelings and emotions. My heart is heavy, I am shaken but not moved, why, because we had a great Teacher who prepared us for times such as these. I am not concered about the Church, God is in control. My heart is heavy for Pastor Bob, Diane and his two children. I will always keep them in my Prayers. He told Greg Laurie " I didn't finish good" Pastor Greg said Bob your not finished yet , God is not done with you, so true. Being at the church and serving there I have noticed the change, but a good one, seems the pride has subsided, the Pastors have been so real and transparent , our messages have been incredible. Our Pastors are truly ministering to the Body of Christ at Calvary FTL and we are being blessed.
Calvary has been my home Church for 20 Years, and I will continue to Worship there as long as the Lord has me there !!! Blessings to You and your family Hi to your Mom , I am Kathy Rich, you may or not remember me !!! I was on staff for a few yers I was at the Register in the Cafe.